Keeping Thoughts

Like everyone else, I maintained a xanga in college (oops, I suppose I just dated myself). But the point is that I updated it religiously. It was the keeper of my thoughts. 

I found this entry, dated January 25th 2007, titled “loving yourself and a place like taiwan.” I wrote it during one of my trips to Taiwan. I miss writing, and I miss “discovering” my old writings even more. Reading things that you yourself wrote is almost like reconnecting with that inner soul, not to sound cheesy or anything. 

I suppose founding Thick Dumpling Skin was in the stars after all. 

love is staying in my pajamas the whole day.

***

a really weird thing about taiwan is this perception that if you’re a bit overweight, not even overweight, but bigger than the usual size (0-6), then you don’t deserve to wear pretty clothes or even look pretty. if you know that you’re a bit thick, then you should know your place and not wear anything that will make you stand out from the crowd. i am not talking about showing skin or anything like that, but simply wearing colors, for example, red, green, or yellow.

it’s as if you should know your status is lower than other people if you’re bigger than other people. what kind of a fucked up thought is that?

a lot of clothes here are size f, what that means is “free size,“ aka one size. what that also means is a lot of the clothes here i can’t wear, simply because they only make clothes a certain size. i don’t have to try them on to know because i can trust the ladies managing the store to tell me.

today my aunt and uncle took me shopping. we saw a really cool jacket except it was a size small. however, i tried it on and it fit me just fine. it was very cute, and i liked it very much. i wanted to get it, but my aunt and uncle insisted on telling me that it doesn’t fit and that i should try to get a bigger size. whenever i wanted to buy something, my aunt in particular would question me about my choice, whether it would fit, whether i should wear something that color, so on and so forth.

i like shopping by myself, precisely for the reason that i don’t like other people telling me what i should wear and what i shouldn’t wear. wouldn’t i know best?

so far, i’ve had at least 3 people tell me that i am too big, and 3 people suggesting that i get rid of my freckles. honestly, i am used to it. it was worse when i used to come back here as a kid. i used to get told all kinds of things, about my weight, my freckles, my teeth, my skin color (serious), the way i sing, you name it. how is any girl supposed to build self-esteem in this country, built on, it seems like, a huge entertainment industry (idolatry) and scrutinizing what’s on the surface?

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- Lisa

Lisa Lee