22 Years and Counting…

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First of all, I would like to mention that I am so freaking happy there is a blog about this issue, so thank you so much. 

I like fashion. I love fashion. My mom and I have very similar styles in fashion (sometimes) so I like talking about it with her, or talking about the different styles I like. It’s fun. I feel like we’re best of friends when we do that. However, 90% of the time, the conversation would steer to, “CC that’s cute but those only look good on skinny girls. When fat people wear them, it just looks wrong and not as pretty.“ 

This is basically what I’ve lived with my entire life and I’m 22 years old now. Every time I mention a food I like, she’ll say, “What DONT you like?” or “You like fattening foods” (referencing to the fact that she thinks I’m fat and therefore must like fattening foods). This has caused me to become incredibly cautious in what I say when I express my opinions around my family members: basically, I don’t say anything. Then they think I’m being distant or pessimistic or just being a bitch and giving an attitude because I don’t want to participate in the conversation and family activity. They don’t understand why I hate going shopping with them when I love shopping with my friends. I hate going shopping with them because they’ll start dressing up my sister and complimenting her on how everything looks good on her because she’s young and skinny, then they’ll look at me and go, “Why don’t you choose something?” or “CC it makes me angry that you’re just standing there feeling uncomfortable. That’s why you should lose weight so appa (dad) can buy clothing for you. There’s none in your size so I can’t buy you shit.“ 

My dad at one point even said to me, "CC, I don’t even take you to dinner invites from my friends because I’m ashamed to show you to my friends. It hurts me that they’ll comment about your weight.” The saddest part is that he said this to be sincere and nice, to encourage me to lose weight, when really all it did was make my depression worse. The most unfortunate thing with my family is that they all do this with good intentions and when those good intentions are stripped to show that they’re actually harmful and wrong, they get angry and upset because “Well you’re fat, so that’s why we say these mean things." 

Even writing this down - it makes me want to cry right now, because for them its temporary. It’s just the present situation. For me, I remember that at night, in my sleep, when I wake up, when I go near a clothing store, when I pass a clothing store, when I see another girl in class on her laptop looking through a Forever21 website. It stays with me and they don’t realize how hurtful it is. But when I tell them that, the response is usually, "Well it’s not like what we said wasn’t the truth” or “You know we only say that because we’re worried about your health.” or “If you don’t want to hear that, then why don’t you just lose weight?” 

When they say stuff like that, who am I to argue? Who am I to argue to a person who is saying these things for the benefit of my health? 

What can i say to that? I say that it still hurts? Then they’ll say to just lose weight. So when I can’t control what I eat, I feel like the only person I can blame is myself for not having enough self control, although i know its more than that. I’m a nutrition science major. I know it’s more than that. I know the proper way to eat, the proper way to exercise. And yet, still, when it comes to myself, I’m at a complete loss. I can tell the truth to others to help them about their body issues and eating styles and yet when it comes to myself, i can’t convince myself the same.  

22 years and counting…

19 years of self hate.


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